When I blog I generally speak in generalizations. It's a trail of breadcrumbs just in case the wrong party happens upon my trail. I, unfortunately, had forgotten for a moment that my blog is my echo. My space to speak to a universe that isn't listening. I know that pretending no one reads my words is self indulgent. But I'm a writer, I write for me. I shan't forget it again. Thus the story is free to begin.
I recently met a man. It wasn't planned. It shouldn't have been yet it was. I think the intended purpose of said meeting was to meet someone else. Which I did. And to connect with him. Which I didn't. The person of interest was my type. Kinda a jerk, sarcastic but funny. Observationally intelligent. Confident enough to be interesting and interesting enough to be confident. Smug. Sounds like a jerk right?
After the last ex I don't trust "nice guys." I'm sure it's an unfair generalization but I find that anyone who is blatantly nice probably has a much deeper darker side. True, I'm scarred. However, that was the reality that I experienced. Therefore, I find if someone is honest enough to not try to impress you than they have a confidence carried by not pretending to be something that they are not (that's a lot of negatives, reread). Hence, the NGOPGs are my thing. I want to know what I'm getting into up front.
I'm going to fast forward through the fan fare to arrive at the meat of what's on my mind.
I met this guy and I found him interesting. I furthered the conversation and I found him more interesting. I liked him. And I know, the way a woman knows, that he liked me too. But something happened. I don't know what and that's what's bothering me.
I am good at people. I genuinely like people and it's palatable. So they in turn like me back. I'm pretty non-judgmental and I ask good questions so they open up. Tell me about themselves, feel exposed and as a result feel like I am one of their close friends. I count my actual friends on one hand. That number is different from the people I view as little cousins, or the circle of people with whom I spend time. I say all of this as a back story to show a divergence.
With this guy something flipped and I can't put my finger on it. He went all closed on me. And I, in turn, went a bit irrational in trying to understand why. It's like there were 2 sets of problems.
Problem #1- In my more rational moments as I was thinking about the reality of what a wife is I couldn't say, without a doubt, that I was ready for that. I'm actually a really good wife. I take on the responsibility of being a compliment with the vigor that I do with every other situation in my life- the goal to do as best as I can at it. So when I was thinking about what it would mean to be in a relationship with said guy- we'll call him Ghost, I wasn't convinced that I was ready to give up the keys to my Kingdom. There are a couple of things that I want to take just a little bit further without external stimuli before I let someone else drive. Cognitively, I know this. I didn't feel it would be fair to put someone on the back burner while I tended to solidifying the life I am building. I understand that this is my problem, my unwillingness to open my own gates to let someone in. In my logical moments, that's okay with me. Especially as I see the fruits of my labor pay off.
Problem #2- Ghost went from being someone that I could really talk to like really really talk to to someone that I couldn't. In the matter of a day. It's like the person I was talking to became a Ghost of the person I had met. It was bothersome for multiple reasons. The first one being initially I thought it was a non-verbal clue to just bounce. So I tried to be a lady and gracefully say goodbye. I was met with resistance. Then I excused said ghosting as circumstantial. But I knew that it was deeper than that. "People make time for what is important to them." So I tried to say goodbye again. More resistance. Each time I try to say goodbye he fades a bit more but he stubbornly refuses to allow himself permission to disappear completely. Ya see the problem with Ghost becoming a Ghost was that I couldn't tell him about problem #1. Had I been able to then I think as competent intelligent adults we could have figured it out. All of which led to-
Problem #3- I am not a typical girl. In the face of work in the initial phases of a relationship I cut and run. I don't deal in ambiguity so my communication expectation is - If there is a problem. We talk about it. We fix it. We move on. I know that a lot of girls get caught in this cycle of, "What can I do to fix it?" or "If I just put in more work he'll come around." or "If I keep doing what I think he wants, he'll love me." It always comes down to that for women doesn't it? A thirst for love. It's the Eve's curse- to long for a thing that will dominate you. So for me, when things get complicated and I don't have the communication that explains the complications I start to make executive decisions. So I made some.
Here is the problem with when I make executive decisions- I change my mind. One of my best friends and I play this made up game called, "I wonder if it's true?" We will research a topic to death. Argue the pros and cons. Weigh all the research. Determine the conclusions of the brightest minds in the field. And then take our thinking a step further by wondering if what they are saying is true or if they're just trying to sell something be it a product or an agenda.
It's funny because it allows us to intelligently discuss any topic without being tied to any set of assumed or "proven" facts. Our opinions can change on the dime as we argue the thing with intelligence and humor. Said game also keeps our minds static because we have researched enough to know that any "fact" can be altered, counter altered, or argued. Ergo when I make executive decisions, I allow room for reversal of said decision. Which in my mind and knowing my life- makes sense.
The problem with making executive decisions in relationships is that people take them so seriously. They view them as fact, which they might be but if you understand that I play with facts you also would understand how little they mean to me. The only thing with non-negotiable authority in our world is the Bible.
Should be simple right? Met a man. Liked a man. Things went from full blast to trickle. I made executive decisions. You walk away. Why is it never simple to just walk away (this is an untrue statement. I'm despicably good at the walk away). I guess what I mean to say is in this situation why am I struggling to walk away?
Like most of my questions, this one also is a courtesy. I already know the answer. It's because there is a part of this person, that speaks to me on a whole other level. When I do talk to him I walk away feeling like I just spent the day in service. Calm, centered, reasonable. When I actually talk to him it feels right. This doesn't undo problem #1- the fact that I'm not ready for next and it's unfair to ask him to dangle. Nor does it get rid of problem #2 - that for whatever reason he's holding himself under lock and key. But but it does undermine problem #3.
Someone very dear to me said, "Well it's clear that you guys like each other. It also seems clear that your timing is off. I don't like it." Is that it? Just bad timing? I don't know. I kinda wish it was something bigger like a terminal illness. Okay maybe not terminal but debilitating that doesn't allow for a relationship. Or a secret vow to stay single that would mean the death of a small child if broken. Yeah, either of those would be acceptable. So fanciful my mind is.
I think I am in a situation that maybe I don't get the privilege to understand. Maybe I am being taught patience through acceptance. Maybe Ghosts are just meant to Ghost. If that's the case I am stuck pondering why he wouldn't allow it a clean break when I was giving him one. I am very hopeful that it wasn't pride. That would be ugly.
On the upside (totally always an upside- this is me) I decided something else tonight. Pretty obvi Ghost isn't Mr. Charming. However, I did come to the realization that going through the dating cycle as a casual partaker won't kill me. I don't have to get deeply emotionally invested in every Next that I meet. And if it doesn't work out I probably won't spend much time contemplating what I did wrong. If anything I'll blog it out and move on.
Another up side is the Mathematical Equation behind the thing. If you hold the theory that there is one person for every person (I guesstimate about 17 globally) then every time a situation proves itself to not work then you have one less person to work out in the equation. By my count I have about 11 more potentials to wade through before I find the one. So if you look at it as a process of elimination, it's a very good use of time.
Before I go- 1 of the less than 5 (read: One In less than Five of my friends) asked me what would happen if Ghost reappeared sans walls. Will I veto my executive decision? After getting slightly annoyed that we were still discussing it after I had signed in blood and wanted to talk about Next. And because the O.I.F. have earned the right to not let me off the hook and demand answers to the hard questions I decided to think about it. What I told him was that the future wasn't written and therefore I had no real answer.
I think if I'm being blisteringly honest I would hedge my answer on the side of probably yes rather than likely no. The side of me that understands things on a different level would assert herself and demand time to explore a kindred spirit. Really though, I'm highly dubious that that would happen. People don't flop like that. Unless, of course the debilitating illness is cured or the small child runs away.
There is always that.
-Dewb
