18b- The Trouble with Dating

This is absolutely a first world problem. But that's okay with me, I live in a first world and it's my problem so that legitimizes it.

Here is the trouble with dating. The whole process. The whole one, is about being content with not knowing what path the beast will take. Maybe you meet some guy, hit it off, have an amazing conversation and walk away. Maybe you have known someone forever and you realize that you see them as more than a friend. Maybe you follow the traditional route- start with phone calls (or texting), progress to dates, date a few years, then break up. Maybe you date for ten years and realize that while you love each other creating a future together is not in the cards.

All of dating presupposes that at the end of the journey lay the destination of marriage. I know there are a lot of people that say that the idea of marriage is antiquated. But give any girl about 3 drinks and then ask her if she still wants a happily ever after and the data will be consistent.

Here is my trouble with dating. It's not that there aren't plenty of fish in the sea- there are. It's not that I lack the confidence or intelligence to engage a suitor- I do. It just takes too dang long and I loose interest. And there are too many variables.

I have been married twice, each situation from the "meet" to the marriage was an average of  6 months; a logical conclusion would be that if I had followed the obscure and vague rules of dating maybe I would still be married. This may be true.  What is probably more true is that had I dated longer it is doubtful that I would have gotten married to begin with. Given that I don't regret those relationships that would be a sad day indeed.

To be fair, I have also been in a long term relationship in which marriage was not the eventuality.  I do regret that one because it felt like a waste of time and a depreciation of my soul. I know I should say that it's better to have loved and lost but- I'm not buying that.  Everyday that I stayed in that relationship I felt like a paid with a little piece of my soul- no matter how great he was to me. Loving him felt like a testament to the idea that no matter what I did, I wouldn't be good enough. I was told that that wasn't the case, repeatedly. But it was how I felt and therefore is valid. I do regret all that time spent running in a circle. (If you are reading this, I'm sorry. But it's not like we didn't have this discussion a million times.)

This circles back to the beginning of this blog. The trouble with dating is that I really don't have the temperament for it. All those unknowns create in me a desire to solve them.  To ask the next question and the next.  To extrapolate and be a head of the game. Men hate that. But love me. What a conundrum.

I ask myself if I can be okay with the unknowns.  The answer isn't no but is this deep seated anxiety that I feel whenever I know I need to do something but I don't have it done. It's a visceral response that I feel in my belly and heart area. I hate that feeling of panic. Then the question becomes, if I meet the right man- will the idea of him outweigh the feeling of anxiety?

I do feel that if I get married again it will be my last marriage.  I've been a bit too greedy as it is. And if this will be the last, I want to set it up to last. And that requires time and unknowns, ya know, the usual dating norms. A willingness to be vulnerable that I really really dislike. It is so much easier to just leap. I long for the days of arranged marriage.

So then what? I wish I knew. I suppose only time will tell. Maybe my lot in life is to soar high and single, free to solve all of the next steps in every direction that I can see. Maybe my lot is to endure this discomfort in order to find permanent comfort. Variables- ugh.

I'll keep you posted.

-Dewb