If I had to pick the starting point I would say that it all started with the car. I bought a car last March. It was purchased for practical purposes. The kids were getting ready to drive and I wanted two cars on hand in case they crashed the learner one. The Suzuk had served her purpose and I was ready to relegate her to the kids. I did not need two cars. I simply wanted two and could afford two.
I fancy myself a "car" person. The reality of the situation is that I know next to nothing about what happens under the hood. I mean I know where stuff goes and how to make simple repairs- like fuses and filters and such (again if I'm being brutally honest, the girl card works at AutoZone every time) but no real knowledge. My initial thought was to buy a classic and fix it up. THAT idea bored me quickly when I realized how much work it would be. My next idea was to buy a Dodge Charger. I love Chargers, I find something earthy about the kind of power that they allude. But I did a minimal amount of research and found out that they are style over substance. I was crushed. Then I wanted a cherry red 4 door Dodge Ram with a V8 and a Hemi. I don't know what either of those things do but it sounded good on my tongue. But I am a practical girl and they imbibe gas. No truck for me.
After months, ok weeks, ok days of looking with a male friend I went to a car lot alone. My brother knew a guy and I decided to utilize my resources. I walked away with an amazing deal. A mostly new, black leather, tinted windows, heated seats, sunroof, kinda car that talks to you. As I drove off the lot I thought, Dang it- this kind of car has a Dress Code! So I bought new clothes.
I am a hard worker and I have a really simple life. My indulgence is travel and usually my job foots the bill for that. Therefore, as my situation in life has evolved I never upgraded. I still have a VHS player with tapes next to my DVDs and DVD player. I never had cable or Internet because I worked a lot and not having those things forced me to leave work at work. I'm not into things. I'm just not. Then came the car. And the clothes. But more so a realization that I had arrived.
When I bought the car the deal was sealed with a handshake. The person selling me the car fully expected me to go home and call someone of the male gender and seek their approval. As I sat in that chair the only thought that ran through my mind was, "I am a grown up. I can broker this deal alone." So I offered my hand for him to shake saying, "You have a deal." He was shocked but I wasn't. That one thought became my life's pivot point.
I started to examine the things in my life that were still there but maybe didn't fit so well anymore. Like relationships. And like my job. When I made the choice to step away from the Suzuk and into the new car it was like giving myself permission to not have to struggle anymore. Again, I love the Suzuk. But she has pieces falling off of her and cracked glass and dysfunctional wind shield wipers and multiple leaks. She is old and high maintenance. The new car makes my life easier as opposed to the other way around. I understood that that principal could apply to all aspects of my life. My life does not have to be a struggle.
So zing- gone where the male friends that took more than they gave. Zing- gone was the job that left me emotionally drained and with migraines. Zing- gone was this idea that it was my responsibility to fix it, all of it. Zing- gone was this idea that in order to make a worth while contribution to the world I had to take from me and mine. Zing- gone was the heaviness that kept me anchored to the past.
Replacement- friends that are equals. Replacement- higher paying, less stressful job. Replacement- personal massages and flower delivery. Replacement- knowing that no matter what I'm insignificant, Enshallah is true. Replacement- lighter life choices that allow me to walk on clouds.
In honesty, it feels self indulgent. I know that I'm not self indulgent. I spend more time in my ministry, more time learning Arabic, more time with my kids, more time giving of myself. But in ways that feel good, ways that give back. I also have traveled quite a bit and started new hobbies. I sail these days. Like on a boat. It scares me to death but that's part of why I do it.
This is also not to say that my life is perfect. My kids are teenagers (if you have kids you know what I mean- if you don't I could never explain it). One of my best friends keeps having seizures, bad ones, I am mentally preparing for her death. One close friend lost a child to his choices and another lost his mother to death. I can't figure out if I will walk my path alone aka figure the man thing out. AND (first world problem) my massage therapist talks a lot during my massages. Life is real. :)
But those are my problems. They are light. I finally feel like what I envision a grown up should feel like- confident, comfortable, seasoned, and smart enough to understand my ignorance. I have all the trappings of a grown up life. To think- it all started with a car.
Curious.
-Dewb
No comments:
Post a Comment