Christian says take it out on your key board...
I don't fit in here. What is more, I don't think that I want to.
But maybe instead of writing about what I don't want in my life I should write about what I do-
I want peace.
I want to find a place that fits which looks like people who are exactly who they are.
No duplicity.
No faking the funk.
Just real. Like it or hate it.
Real.
The east coast is full of people who are more concerned with what appears to be than what is. I don't understand it. What is more I find myself judging it negatively. I don't want it. I don't want.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Friday, April 19, 2019
Being ok being ok
I am sure there is a word for what it feels like when things are flat lined. They are not high. They are not low. There is no excitement. There are no tragedies. Everything just is.
Mostly good kids.
Mostly good job.
Really good friends.
Really good ministry.
A lot of love in both expected and unexpected places.
I don't know that I have ever felt this zen in my whole life. I am not in a relationship. This is a choice as opposed to a lack of options. I just think that it's taken me a long time to get here, to this flat place, and I don't want to mess it up. I know that it's unfair to say that a relationship messes with your inner peace but in my experience it does.
40 is good. I understand what I don't want. I understand what I do want. I have the means to get it or the patience to wait. And plenty of distractions in between. I am learning to be ok just being ok. No ups no downs, just ride the middle.
A
Mostly good kids.
Mostly good job.
Really good friends.
Really good ministry.
A lot of love in both expected and unexpected places.
I don't know that I have ever felt this zen in my whole life. I am not in a relationship. This is a choice as opposed to a lack of options. I just think that it's taken me a long time to get here, to this flat place, and I don't want to mess it up. I know that it's unfair to say that a relationship messes with your inner peace but in my experience it does.
40 is good. I understand what I don't want. I understand what I do want. I have the means to get it or the patience to wait. And plenty of distractions in between. I am learning to be ok just being ok. No ups no downs, just ride the middle.
A
Nameless
I am sitting in my downtown loft apartment. On the top floor. Watching life go by. I do not have a tv. I instead have an apartment that is walls of windows. I like to watch outside. I like to imagine what the lives are of the people in the apartments across the way. Are they happy? Are they sad? Do they have complex and complicated lives or like me are they just gearing up for a Monday at work? I love the lights. I love the quiet. I love being able to imagine.
This weekend I went to Rhode Island because I wanted to see the Cherry Blossoms in Washing DC. But DC as too far and I've been to Boston so somehow RI made sense. Honestly it was great. We followed the signs and found a beach. Some random out of the way beach with everything closed for the season. We parked on what was not a parking lot but instead a rectangle of beach and I worried that I would be unable to back out and would sink like quick sand. But we didn't and I could. In the midst of all of that I did some heavy thinking.
I have moved to the other side of the country. I am not unhappy here. As a matter of fact I have a really good life. Still and again. Work is good. I'm able to accomplish my ministry. The kids are rising above what was and becoming what they can be. I have things to do and people to do them with.
It just feels so blah. And I KNOW! I know that I should be happy and grateful and excited to be alive. An I am. But I get so restless. So So restless. It causes me to create drama where there is none just to have something to do. Fortunately the drama I create is all in my head and it has a low amount of impact on the world at large but it does cause me some stress.
This weekend I went to Rhode Island because I wanted to see the Cherry Blossoms in Washing DC. But DC as too far and I've been to Boston so somehow RI made sense. Honestly it was great. We followed the signs and found a beach. Some random out of the way beach with everything closed for the season. We parked on what was not a parking lot but instead a rectangle of beach and I worried that I would be unable to back out and would sink like quick sand. But we didn't and I could. In the midst of all of that I did some heavy thinking.
I have moved to the other side of the country. I am not unhappy here. As a matter of fact I have a really good life. Still and again. Work is good. I'm able to accomplish my ministry. The kids are rising above what was and becoming what they can be. I have things to do and people to do them with.
It just feels so blah. And I KNOW! I know that I should be happy and grateful and excited to be alive. An I am. But I get so restless. So So restless. It causes me to create drama where there is none just to have something to do. Fortunately the drama I create is all in my head and it has a low amount of impact on the world at large but it does cause me some stress.
Things both near and far
How is it that something can be both too close and so far at the same time? Some things are not good for you but at the same time they are so good to you that you reason that they have to be good for you.
But being good to you and being good for you are two different things. How often do we wish that they were the same?
I wish that I could write this thing but I can't. My words are stuck like... like... I don't know. My words are stuck.
But being good to you and being good for you are two different things. How often do we wish that they were the same?
I wish that I could write this thing but I can't. My words are stuck like... like... I don't know. My words are stuck.
Friday, February 22, 2019
To the Hommies
I had sat down tonight to write a gratitude journal. My day
had ended on a slightly sour note and I wanted to refocus by focusing on the
things that make me happy. In the interim I called my best friend and we chopped
it up about life, about love, and about the injustices of them all. All of the
things that had gotten under my skin I described, in vivid detail, to her. Her feedback
was basically suck it up and take a video so that she can laugh about it later.
Thank God for good friends.
Sometimes you need someone to commiserate with you and
then tell you to get over it. Someone who agrees that while it is not fair, it
is your situation and your responsibility to deal with it in grace and love.
Sometimes you need someone both on your side and willing to take the other
side. I am so grateful that I have that in my life. That and a glass of white wine.
When I spend any amount of time thinking about why I am not
married I circle back to how full my life is sans husband. Income? Check. Fulfilling
career? Check. Companionship? Triple check. Someone to listen to my worries?
Check. Someone to laugh at me and tell me not to take myself so seriously?
Double check. Amy crazy fact checker? Check. So much love that my heart is
full? Check. Plus the freedom to adventure and find new friends? Check. The ability
to buy $200 thigh high boots that no girl who is not a prostitute needs? Check.
Being single is pretty fantastic in my book. But it is only fantastic because
of the people whom I am honored to have in
it.
I love my friends. They breathe air into my life. They color
my world, honestly mostly outside of the lines but that’s what draws me to
them. The permission that I don’t have to follow the rules but I do need to know
and acknowledge them. Keeping me grounded and letting me fly.
This blog is a gratitude to friendship. I’m so happy I have you
all in my life.
Love you-
A
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
That time of year again
It looms. Like the dirty black cloud doesn't just predict a storm but the color itself carries with it all kinds of nefariousness and doom.What looms? The day in which I decide that relation-shipping is a thing to do. The day that reminds me that as much as I love single, maybe coupled is the place to be. The day I love to hate. Valentines Day.
Valentine's Day is a pagan holiday (holy day) with terrible roots. St. Valentine, in an effort to give soldiers going to war one last respectable roll in the hay, married the men to their sweethearts. This ensured that the men would have something to live for and that the women would wait. It was bloody and sordid. It was also illegal as deemed by the powers that be. But somehow from all that we get chocolate, flowers, and teddy bears.
The one time of the year I'm tempted to get into a relationship is now. Mostly so that I can get the candy and hearts. I know that logically I could buy my own candy and hearts. But it's not the same. I want someone to buy them for me. When I was a kid my best friend and I would anonymously send each other flowers on V-Day. Feel happy about it and like we cheated the system. I miss those days, when I knew that I was getting a gift regardless. When I didn't have to be in a romantic relationship to feel loved.
Every year I gear up and try to convince myself NOT to get into a relationship around this time of year. It's unfortunate because they are so easily had. But then I have to spend the subsequent following half of a year trying to untangle myself from this thing that I really didn't want. Such a pain. That marketing is so effective that I am convinced that I want a thing that I don't need just to have something that isn't good for me. Doesn't even make sense when I type it does it? Meh! Frustration.
Count down is on. 48 more hours. I can do this.
A
Valentine's Day is a pagan holiday (holy day) with terrible roots. St. Valentine, in an effort to give soldiers going to war one last respectable roll in the hay, married the men to their sweethearts. This ensured that the men would have something to live for and that the women would wait. It was bloody and sordid. It was also illegal as deemed by the powers that be. But somehow from all that we get chocolate, flowers, and teddy bears.
The one time of the year I'm tempted to get into a relationship is now. Mostly so that I can get the candy and hearts. I know that logically I could buy my own candy and hearts. But it's not the same. I want someone to buy them for me. When I was a kid my best friend and I would anonymously send each other flowers on V-Day. Feel happy about it and like we cheated the system. I miss those days, when I knew that I was getting a gift regardless. When I didn't have to be in a romantic relationship to feel loved.
Every year I gear up and try to convince myself NOT to get into a relationship around this time of year. It's unfortunate because they are so easily had. But then I have to spend the subsequent following half of a year trying to untangle myself from this thing that I really didn't want. Such a pain. That marketing is so effective that I am convinced that I want a thing that I don't need just to have something that isn't good for me. Doesn't even make sense when I type it does it? Meh! Frustration.
Count down is on. 48 more hours. I can do this.
A
Thursday, January 10, 2019
On being still
When life gets overwhelming and threatens to suffocate you, you have to just be still. Lay on the bed and concentrate in getting air in and out of your lungs. It is highly likely that during this process that your heart will bleed saltwater tears from your eyes. That is ok. It's the only way for the hurt to not hurt so bad. Crying is ok. Just remember to breathe while it's happening.
In and out. In and out.
If you're lucky unconsciousness will claim you and you will drift into a dreamless sleep. In and out. In and out. Don't move. Don't think. Don't talk. Just breathe. Let the oxygen push the heaviness from your chest. Let it flow through your heart and down your cheeks.
Be still. Just breathe. Cry.
In and out. In and out.
Breathe.
In and out. In and out.
If you're lucky unconsciousness will claim you and you will drift into a dreamless sleep. In and out. In and out. Don't move. Don't think. Don't talk. Just breathe. Let the oxygen push the heaviness from your chest. Let it flow through your heart and down your cheeks.
Be still. Just breathe. Cry.
In and out. In and out.
Breathe.
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