This is absolutely a first world problem. But that's okay with me, I live in a first world and it's my problem so that legitimizes it.
Here is the trouble with dating. The whole process. The whole one, is about being content with not knowing what path the beast will take. Maybe you meet some guy, hit it off, have an amazing conversation and walk away. Maybe you have known someone forever and you realize that you see them as more than a friend. Maybe you follow the traditional route- start with phone calls (or texting), progress to dates, date a few years, then break up. Maybe you date for ten years and realize that while you love each other creating a future together is not in the cards.
All of dating presupposes that at the end of the journey lay the destination of marriage. I know there are a lot of people that say that the idea of marriage is antiquated. But give any girl about 3 drinks and then ask her if she still wants a happily ever after and the data will be consistent.
Here is my trouble with dating. It's not that there aren't plenty of fish in the sea- there are. It's not that I lack the confidence or intelligence to engage a suitor- I do. It just takes too dang long and I loose interest. And there are too many variables.
I have been married twice, each situation from the "meet" to the marriage was an average of 6 months; a logical conclusion would be that if I had followed the obscure and vague rules of dating maybe I would still be married. This may be true. What is probably more true is that had I dated longer it is doubtful that I would have gotten married to begin with. Given that I don't regret those relationships that would be a sad day indeed.
To be fair, I have also been in a long term relationship in which marriage was not the eventuality. I do regret that one because it felt like a waste of time and a depreciation of my soul. I know I should say that it's better to have loved and lost but- I'm not buying that. Everyday that I stayed in that relationship I felt like a paid with a little piece of my soul- no matter how great he was to me. Loving him felt like a testament to the idea that no matter what I did, I wouldn't be good enough. I was told that that wasn't the case, repeatedly. But it was how I felt and therefore is valid. I do regret all that time spent running in a circle. (If you are reading this, I'm sorry. But it's not like we didn't have this discussion a million times.)
This circles back to the beginning of this blog. The trouble with dating is that I really don't have the temperament for it. All those unknowns create in me a desire to solve them. To ask the next question and the next. To extrapolate and be a head of the game. Men hate that. But love me. What a conundrum.
I ask myself if I can be okay with the unknowns. The answer isn't no but is this deep seated anxiety that I feel whenever I know I need to do something but I don't have it done. It's a visceral response that I feel in my belly and heart area. I hate that feeling of panic. Then the question becomes, if I meet the right man- will the idea of him outweigh the feeling of anxiety?
I do feel that if I get married again it will be my last marriage. I've been a bit too greedy as it is. And if this will be the last, I want to set it up to last. And that requires time and unknowns, ya know, the usual dating norms. A willingness to be vulnerable that I really really dislike. It is so much easier to just leap. I long for the days of arranged marriage.
So then what? I wish I knew. I suppose only time will tell. Maybe my lot in life is to soar high and single, free to solve all of the next steps in every direction that I can see. Maybe my lot is to endure this discomfort in order to find permanent comfort. Variables- ugh.
I'll keep you posted.
-Dewb
Friday, September 30, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
17b- Solving for the Unknown
I have so much on my mind. I need to write. I need to write. I need to write. I need to write. Or else I am afraid I will implode.
It has been an emotionally complex week and I've waited all week to say that to someone but no one seems inclined to ask. So grateful for my blog. My listening ear. I am unsure of what the evolution of this blog will be. I am interested to see what happens as my thoughts crystallize into words. And those words carve a path of their own.
Where do I start...
I like math.
or
I've seen so much death recently.
or
The curiosities called men.
or
Work fell apart.
or
Work came together.
or
String theory.
or, or, or....
For some reason string theory seems to be the most perplexing to me right now. I have read enough Hawking to have in infants understanding of the theories of the things that bind the universe together. Today, right now, my brain seems to be stuck on the idea of stringy space. I contemplated, for much longer than was a good use of my time, what holds us together and what keeps us apart.
I know that things bind and attract and repel and detract. I understand atoms and polarization and positives and negatives. I don't understand space. Visually when you look at something, when you draw something, there is generally no blank space. There is white space but the contrast utilizes the space in a way of it's own to create an illusion of something-ness. I don't understand why in real time we are separated by a seeming vortex of nothingness. I KNOW it's not nothing. It's atoms and mites and stuff. But it feels like nothing.
My parallel is drawn in the lives we lead. There is so much space between humans. Physical space, emotional space, mental space, lots and lots of space. I don't understand why. Again, cognitively I KNOW why. We have been hurt. We self-protect. We introvert. And then we feel nothing but space. And we hate it. It's so counter intuitive. Do we as humans hold on to our strings of space to keep ourselves tied together? I don't know. Here is what I know, today, in this moment.
God is love.
People die.
Kids have the best laughs.
Going to the Arabic Assembly is the right thing to do.
I'm not ready for my partner to die.
She will anyway.
There is nothing else to be said.
-Dewb
It has been an emotionally complex week and I've waited all week to say that to someone but no one seems inclined to ask. So grateful for my blog. My listening ear. I am unsure of what the evolution of this blog will be. I am interested to see what happens as my thoughts crystallize into words. And those words carve a path of their own.
Where do I start...
I like math.
or
I've seen so much death recently.
or
The curiosities called men.
or
Work fell apart.
or
Work came together.
or
String theory.
or, or, or....
For some reason string theory seems to be the most perplexing to me right now. I have read enough Hawking to have in infants understanding of the theories of the things that bind the universe together. Today, right now, my brain seems to be stuck on the idea of stringy space. I contemplated, for much longer than was a good use of my time, what holds us together and what keeps us apart.
I know that things bind and attract and repel and detract. I understand atoms and polarization and positives and negatives. I don't understand space. Visually when you look at something, when you draw something, there is generally no blank space. There is white space but the contrast utilizes the space in a way of it's own to create an illusion of something-ness. I don't understand why in real time we are separated by a seeming vortex of nothingness. I KNOW it's not nothing. It's atoms and mites and stuff. But it feels like nothing.
My parallel is drawn in the lives we lead. There is so much space between humans. Physical space, emotional space, mental space, lots and lots of space. I don't understand why. Again, cognitively I KNOW why. We have been hurt. We self-protect. We introvert. And then we feel nothing but space. And we hate it. It's so counter intuitive. Do we as humans hold on to our strings of space to keep ourselves tied together? I don't know. Here is what I know, today, in this moment.
God is love.
People die.
Kids have the best laughs.
Going to the Arabic Assembly is the right thing to do.
I'm not ready for my partner to die.
She will anyway.
There is nothing else to be said.
-Dewb
Friday, September 2, 2016
16b- Trappings of a Grown Up Life
If I had to pick the starting point I would say that it all started with the car. I bought a car last March. It was purchased for practical purposes. The kids were getting ready to drive and I wanted two cars on hand in case they crashed the learner one. The Suzuk had served her purpose and I was ready to relegate her to the kids. I did not need two cars. I simply wanted two and could afford two.
I fancy myself a "car" person. The reality of the situation is that I know next to nothing about what happens under the hood. I mean I know where stuff goes and how to make simple repairs- like fuses and filters and such (again if I'm being brutally honest, the girl card works at AutoZone every time) but no real knowledge. My initial thought was to buy a classic and fix it up. THAT idea bored me quickly when I realized how much work it would be. My next idea was to buy a Dodge Charger. I love Chargers, I find something earthy about the kind of power that they allude. But I did a minimal amount of research and found out that they are style over substance. I was crushed. Then I wanted a cherry red 4 door Dodge Ram with a V8 and a Hemi. I don't know what either of those things do but it sounded good on my tongue. But I am a practical girl and they imbibe gas. No truck for me.
After months, ok weeks, ok days of looking with a male friend I went to a car lot alone. My brother knew a guy and I decided to utilize my resources. I walked away with an amazing deal. A mostly new, black leather, tinted windows, heated seats, sunroof, kinda car that talks to you. As I drove off the lot I thought, Dang it- this kind of car has a Dress Code! So I bought new clothes.
I am a hard worker and I have a really simple life. My indulgence is travel and usually my job foots the bill for that. Therefore, as my situation in life has evolved I never upgraded. I still have a VHS player with tapes next to my DVDs and DVD player. I never had cable or Internet because I worked a lot and not having those things forced me to leave work at work. I'm not into things. I'm just not. Then came the car. And the clothes. But more so a realization that I had arrived.
When I bought the car the deal was sealed with a handshake. The person selling me the car fully expected me to go home and call someone of the male gender and seek their approval. As I sat in that chair the only thought that ran through my mind was, "I am a grown up. I can broker this deal alone." So I offered my hand for him to shake saying, "You have a deal." He was shocked but I wasn't. That one thought became my life's pivot point.
I started to examine the things in my life that were still there but maybe didn't fit so well anymore. Like relationships. And like my job. When I made the choice to step away from the Suzuk and into the new car it was like giving myself permission to not have to struggle anymore. Again, I love the Suzuk. But she has pieces falling off of her and cracked glass and dysfunctional wind shield wipers and multiple leaks. She is old and high maintenance. The new car makes my life easier as opposed to the other way around. I understood that that principal could apply to all aspects of my life. My life does not have to be a struggle.
So zing- gone where the male friends that took more than they gave. Zing- gone was the job that left me emotionally drained and with migraines. Zing- gone was this idea that it was my responsibility to fix it, all of it. Zing- gone was this idea that in order to make a worth while contribution to the world I had to take from me and mine. Zing- gone was the heaviness that kept me anchored to the past.
Replacement- friends that are equals. Replacement- higher paying, less stressful job. Replacement- personal massages and flower delivery. Replacement- knowing that no matter what I'm insignificant, Enshallah is true. Replacement- lighter life choices that allow me to walk on clouds.
In honesty, it feels self indulgent. I know that I'm not self indulgent. I spend more time in my ministry, more time learning Arabic, more time with my kids, more time giving of myself. But in ways that feel good, ways that give back. I also have traveled quite a bit and started new hobbies. I sail these days. Like on a boat. It scares me to death but that's part of why I do it.
This is also not to say that my life is perfect. My kids are teenagers (if you have kids you know what I mean- if you don't I could never explain it). One of my best friends keeps having seizures, bad ones, I am mentally preparing for her death. One close friend lost a child to his choices and another lost his mother to death. I can't figure out if I will walk my path alone aka figure the man thing out. AND (first world problem) my massage therapist talks a lot during my massages. Life is real. :)
But those are my problems. They are light. I finally feel like what I envision a grown up should feel like- confident, comfortable, seasoned, and smart enough to understand my ignorance. I have all the trappings of a grown up life. To think- it all started with a car.
Curious.
-Dewb
I fancy myself a "car" person. The reality of the situation is that I know next to nothing about what happens under the hood. I mean I know where stuff goes and how to make simple repairs- like fuses and filters and such (again if I'm being brutally honest, the girl card works at AutoZone every time) but no real knowledge. My initial thought was to buy a classic and fix it up. THAT idea bored me quickly when I realized how much work it would be. My next idea was to buy a Dodge Charger. I love Chargers, I find something earthy about the kind of power that they allude. But I did a minimal amount of research and found out that they are style over substance. I was crushed. Then I wanted a cherry red 4 door Dodge Ram with a V8 and a Hemi. I don't know what either of those things do but it sounded good on my tongue. But I am a practical girl and they imbibe gas. No truck for me.
After months, ok weeks, ok days of looking with a male friend I went to a car lot alone. My brother knew a guy and I decided to utilize my resources. I walked away with an amazing deal. A mostly new, black leather, tinted windows, heated seats, sunroof, kinda car that talks to you. As I drove off the lot I thought, Dang it- this kind of car has a Dress Code! So I bought new clothes.
I am a hard worker and I have a really simple life. My indulgence is travel and usually my job foots the bill for that. Therefore, as my situation in life has evolved I never upgraded. I still have a VHS player with tapes next to my DVDs and DVD player. I never had cable or Internet because I worked a lot and not having those things forced me to leave work at work. I'm not into things. I'm just not. Then came the car. And the clothes. But more so a realization that I had arrived.
When I bought the car the deal was sealed with a handshake. The person selling me the car fully expected me to go home and call someone of the male gender and seek their approval. As I sat in that chair the only thought that ran through my mind was, "I am a grown up. I can broker this deal alone." So I offered my hand for him to shake saying, "You have a deal." He was shocked but I wasn't. That one thought became my life's pivot point.
I started to examine the things in my life that were still there but maybe didn't fit so well anymore. Like relationships. And like my job. When I made the choice to step away from the Suzuk and into the new car it was like giving myself permission to not have to struggle anymore. Again, I love the Suzuk. But she has pieces falling off of her and cracked glass and dysfunctional wind shield wipers and multiple leaks. She is old and high maintenance. The new car makes my life easier as opposed to the other way around. I understood that that principal could apply to all aspects of my life. My life does not have to be a struggle.
So zing- gone where the male friends that took more than they gave. Zing- gone was the job that left me emotionally drained and with migraines. Zing- gone was this idea that it was my responsibility to fix it, all of it. Zing- gone was this idea that in order to make a worth while contribution to the world I had to take from me and mine. Zing- gone was the heaviness that kept me anchored to the past.
Replacement- friends that are equals. Replacement- higher paying, less stressful job. Replacement- personal massages and flower delivery. Replacement- knowing that no matter what I'm insignificant, Enshallah is true. Replacement- lighter life choices that allow me to walk on clouds.
In honesty, it feels self indulgent. I know that I'm not self indulgent. I spend more time in my ministry, more time learning Arabic, more time with my kids, more time giving of myself. But in ways that feel good, ways that give back. I also have traveled quite a bit and started new hobbies. I sail these days. Like on a boat. It scares me to death but that's part of why I do it.
This is also not to say that my life is perfect. My kids are teenagers (if you have kids you know what I mean- if you don't I could never explain it). One of my best friends keeps having seizures, bad ones, I am mentally preparing for her death. One close friend lost a child to his choices and another lost his mother to death. I can't figure out if I will walk my path alone aka figure the man thing out. AND (first world problem) my massage therapist talks a lot during my massages. Life is real. :)
But those are my problems. They are light. I finally feel like what I envision a grown up should feel like- confident, comfortable, seasoned, and smart enough to understand my ignorance. I have all the trappings of a grown up life. To think- it all started with a car.
Curious.
-Dewb
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