Finding like birds

Christian says take it out on your key board...

I don't fit in here. What is more, I don't think that I want to.

But maybe instead of writing about what I don't want in my life I should write about what I do-

I want peace.

I want to find a place that fits which looks like people who are exactly who they are.

No duplicity.

No faking the funk.

Just real. Like it or hate it.

Real.

The east coast is full of people who are more concerned with what appears to be than what is. I don't understand it. What is more I find myself judging it negatively. I don't want it. I don't want.

Being ok being ok

I am sure there is a word for what it feels like when things are flat lined. They are not high. They are not low. There is no excitement. There are no tragedies. Everything just is.

Mostly good kids.

Mostly good job.

Really good friends.

Really good ministry.

A lot of love in both expected and unexpected places.

I don't know that I have ever felt this zen in my whole life. I am not in a relationship. This is a choice as opposed to a lack of options. I just think that it's taken me a long time to get here, to this flat place, and I don't want to mess it up. I know that it's unfair to say that a relationship messes with your inner peace but in my experience it does.

40 is good. I understand what I don't want. I understand what I do want. I have the means to get it or the patience to wait. And plenty of distractions in between. I am learning to be ok just being ok. No ups no downs, just ride the middle.

A

Nameless

I am sitting in my downtown loft apartment. On the top floor. Watching life go by. I do not have a tv. I instead have an apartment that is walls of windows. I like to watch outside. I like to imagine what the lives are of the people in the apartments across the way. Are they happy? Are they sad? Do they have complex and complicated lives or like me are they just gearing up for a Monday at work? I love the lights. I love the quiet. I love being able to imagine.

This weekend I went to Rhode Island because I wanted to see the Cherry Blossoms in Washing DC. But DC as too far and I've been to Boston so somehow RI made sense. Honestly it was great. We followed the signs and found a beach. Some random out of the way beach with everything closed for the season. We parked on what was not a parking lot but instead a rectangle of beach and I worried that I would be unable to back out and would sink like quick sand. But we didn't and I could. In the midst of all of that I did some heavy thinking.

I have moved to the other side of the country. I am not unhappy here. As a matter of fact I have a really good life. Still and again. Work is good. I'm able to accomplish my ministry. The kids are rising above what was and becoming what they can be. I have things to do and people to do them with.

It just feels so blah. And I KNOW! I know that I should be happy and grateful and excited to be alive. An I am. But I get so restless. So So restless. It causes me to create drama where there is none just to have something to do. Fortunately the drama I create is all in my head and it has a low amount of impact on the world at large but it does cause me some stress.

Things both near and far

How is it that something can be both too close and so far at the same time? Some things are not good for you but at the same time they are so good to you that you reason that they have to be good for you.

But being good to you and being good for you are two different things. How often do we wish that they were the same?

I wish that I could write this thing but I can't. My words are stuck like... like... I don't know. My words are stuck.