Look it up...
I think maybe if I moved to a small island country I could beach all day and write all night. Become the writer that I plan on being. 2 Blogs in 24 hours is quite a bit. Even by my standards. But I need to blog the thoughts that are chasing each other.
Do you ever feel like your best laid plans have plans of their own? Plans that you have no idea that are being hatched yet seem impossible to prevent? I do. Being alone the past 4 days has taught me that I really don't want to be alone. I think. I mean maybe it's the solitude talking. I had a stellar day. Rain forests and buying and mofongo and beach and reading. On the tour I was applauded as a woman traveling alone. Apparently it takes guts. Or a lack of sanity. Point is it's been a great day.
I had always thought that once I have the freedom that the next year will bring I would enjoy the feeling of flying. This trip has taught me that maybe I am wrong. In all of this adventuring all I can think is this would be prefect if- X/Y/ or Z were here. Or the stinks. Especially the stinks. Maybe I'm not as content with solitude as I think I am.
Back home I am perpetually busy. Friends and family and work and ministry creates a wonderful patch work quilt quality to my life. What I recognized today was that it's the people that I surround myself with that make it all so rich. Now cognitively I already knew this. But something in me just thought that maybe I was a little less tied to my life than I am. I had failed to understand it emotionally.
I realized today that no matter where you live life is just life. The Uber drivers in Puerto Rico all agree on one thing- that they like the island ok. To them it's just another day at work. I thought about that deeply. It's never the what, it's always the who. Always. Again, cognitively I know this, I know that life is about relationships. For some reason though I had fooled myself into thinking that that rule didn't apply to me. Probably because my life is rich with relationships and until removed it was easy to underestimate their power.
What does this mean? Well it means that moving to an island to isolate myself is probably out. Interestingly it wasn't the English hall that needs help in this Spanish speaking land. It's Arabic and Chinese. How is that for irony? If I'm going to be helping Arabic I may as well stay where I am at. That lesson struck home like a sack of bricks to the chest last night. It's funny how Jehovah continues to remind me of how little I know.
It means that solo vacations are probably not a thing anymore. This was a powerful reminder that I need people in my life. I gain strength in the sharing of the experience. It's not that I can't do it alone, it's that I don't have to and I really don't want to anymore.
It means that I need to revisit my timeline when it comes to relationships. Again, it's not that I can't be alone. It's that I no longer think that I prefer to. That's a big statement. Huge. Especially for me who had forsaken the cumbersome nature of relationships. It is none-the-less true that the time has come. Much to my dismay. I thought that I had a few more years of pretending that it didn't matter. This has changed that.
There is regularly this point in my life when I have to be honest with myself about my life and my life choices. It always stings. Always. Probably because I'm so busy running around I don't stop to listen internally and I can ignore the really big questions. 4 days looking at the ocean really gives you perspective. You ask yourself questions like-
What really matters to me?
Is what I want attainable?
Is it probable?
Am I more scared of success or failure?
Am I willing to risk?
*Sigh* That last one is the biggest one. Am I willing to risk? Risk being wrong? Risk being right? Risk being vulnerable? Risk the fact that you can never know the end of the matter until after it's over? Risk letting another person into my life? Risk the courage that it takes to be connected to somewhere and something? But even more than that - am I willing to risk not trying at all? Me being me the obvious answer to that last one is no, of course not.
And with honest answers you move forward. I have accomplished every single thing that I have wanted to utilizing my own two hands. I will have no regrets that I missed out on something. It's time to move forward with the next phase of my life.
Darn it. I really thought I had more time left.
But okay.
It is what it is.
Mutatis Mutandis
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