Going to Stay, Staying to Go

I Go a lot.

I like the act of Go. Go makes me happy. 

I always have a travel bag packed with my passport and travel documents. As soon as I return from a trip I promptly repack the bag. I am always ready to GO.

I realize I don't dig roots or solidify relationships or make "permanent". Not only does that not matter to me, it also kinda makes me proud. The idea that I am nomadic, able and willing to see the next horizon, next sunset, next people, next place. The globe is my playground. I make my rules and create my life uninhibited by what "regular" people do.

I am remotely smug about the idea that while everyone else' feet are mired in concrete, I've done the impossible and learned to fly. I have wings. The ultimate sense of freedom. 

Now I am in this odd geographic place where people stay for ages. Their roots run so deep that even an act of God, or request from God, doesn't move them. I think that's so weird. The born blind trying to describe color to a child. We are not on the same page and probably will never be. We aren't in the same book. We don't even use the same alphabet.

Which takes me to my relationship. The thing I appreciate about "California" is that he is rooted as an anchor. Nothing tosses him, nothing upsets him. He is dug in, a barnacle. This is his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. This unwillingness to be moved. We are polar opposites in this, which perhaps is a a part of our attraction. His stay compliments my go. His hesitancy balances my rashness. My look-less leaping balances his analysis paralysis. We are both intelligent and able to communicate in a way that is productive and solution seeking. Our personalities compliment each other. 

Until they don't. Until I feel like he's being lazy and he feels like I am being pushy. Until I feel like he's burying me alive in quicksand and he feels like I'm dropping him in the middle of a tornado. Until I get mad and he gets frustrated and we don't even have sex as a way to blow off stream. Then it just feels like we are opposites instead of compliments. Then it just feels painful.

Here is what I don't know- I don't know if this is normal. Does every relationship feel like this? A push pull of no one really getting things the way that they want it. Is this the balance that relationshipping brings? Or is this a sign? Is this the "work" that everyone says a relationship takes?

Side note- I also feel like "Why am I making compromises for someone who isn't even my husband??" I am getting literally nothing out of being reasonable. Why am I being so nice? It's not getting me anything. I pay my own bills. I entertain myself. Anytime I ask for something I am told to take a number and get on the waiting list. I am really unsure of what I am gaining in this situation with this man who isn't my husband and hasn't articulated plans of movement and growth. 

So if we aren't growing why aren't I going?

I don't know. Previously my answer would have been that I like him. We have a solid friendship under all of the complications and jagged edges. Now- I don't know. Perhaps we are only friends as long as I stay in my corner and don't bother him. But that's not friendship. That's emotional manipulation. 

And selfish.

Which brings me full circle.

A