Lessons in Silence

 It is my truth that I have been grumpy because my words have been constipated. 

I have not written in months and days and weeks and hours. It is unhealthy. For me- a person for whom words are the catharsis. I can not be healed if I do not apply the remedy. 

Life has been crazy. What to write- what to write? What to write? What to write. 

Push past the pain point. Go for it. Write what is hard.

Living with no distractions has caused me to turn introspective. There is a lot I love about myself. Just plain adore. There is a bit that I don't love but am not motivated to change. There are bits that are kinda ugly but necessary. In general there are no parts of me that I don't like. 

I like me.

I have grown into a woman that I like and admire and am proud of. Who knew?

With that kind of self- acceptance comes a kind of aloneness. When you like yourself you want to spend time with yourself sans other people. When you like yourself other people want to spend time with you. It becomes exhausting, this push pull of your needs and wanting to accommodate their needs. Some days I feel like it's tearing me apart. 

I figure that is why I run. I run to create space from people and places; actually let's face it- people- that drain me. I want to help. I want to be there. I force it. It kills me. Then I sit at home and drink whiskey and wonder when I get to be taken care of. All while understanding that I don't need to be taken care of. It's weird. This push pull. I have been caught in it a lot recently. Wanting needing to care for others/ wanting needing to be left alone. 

I want to take without having to give. Have I grown selfish? Perhaps. Do I mind it? Nope. Problematic? I am sure it is on some level. On other levels I wonder if it's just age telling me that my need for balance is real. Perhaps. Who knows? Who cares? Who says I have to figure it out? Even if I do who says I will listen? My money is on not as opposed to will. I won't.

What do I know to be true-

1) Parents are the best

2) It's weird letting go of your kids. Even when you think you are ready you probably never really are

3) Music heals

4) So does whiskey

5) One gets married when they are tired of not having a live in best friend. 

That's the most true thing. 

6) God is still good. All the time

7) Real friends will call you

8) Exes are exes for a reason but it's still fun to randomly call them

9) One should never go looking for a fight but 

10) If in the event of being force-fed an injustice or imbalance of power one should not be afraid to go to war

11) If you must go to war- win. Swiftly

12) I have a ton of emotional demons. They feed my insecurities untruths that undermine future happiness. I have been unable to conquer them.

Maybe instead of trying to conquer them I should try to tame them. But given that they are born of me and made from the fabric of me a taming of them is far fetched. Maybe really what I should do is learn to live with them. Like I do with the lizards and feral cats and frogs and reptiles and sea creatures that swim with me while I pretend they don't exist. 

A truce and acceptance. A grudging respect for a thing that I don't like but refuses to go away none-the-less. Demands a space and will not be relegated to a box. You have to respect a thing that won't be less of what it is to make the world feel better about it. 

This is what the silence has taught me.