Fish can only grow to the size of their tank.
Small tank, small fish.
Ocean, wales.
A plant can only grow as big as it's pot.
Pot too small, plant strangles itself.
Jungles grow huge trees.
Living things only grow as big as their environment.
Humans only get as big as their boxes.
My words are doing that thing that they do again. The thing where they all crowd around the opening and demand to be spoken. I have no idea what needs to be said. So many things floating in my head. I am only sure that the impetus to sit down and write will not be denied. And so I put my fingers to my keyboard and nervously await what develops. We are on this journey together, you and I.
New years passed with me watching fireworks in my bed in awe of how thoroughly the Puerto Ricans celebrate the dawn of another year. I was not upset that I was alone. I had plenty of open invitations to be with other people. I was, I am, content to be alone. I spend a lot of time in my head in Puerto Rico. I am discovering that I quite enjoy my thoughts. The all consuming need for external stimulus has faded to a faint whisper.
Somewhere along this path I have shed the need to know the co-stars in my life. I prayed, deeply, that I be ok. That my kids be ok. That my parents be ok. I prayed for bible studies. I prayed for friends. I prayed for peace. I prayed for a clean conscience. I prayed for love and for joy. Unsurprisingly my prayers have been answered in spades. Uptown, downtown, Jehovah took me to Boston.
Now everything else is just a surprise in what happens next. Location does matter in happiness. There is something to be said for the sun shining and the ability to go to the beach and let the ocean wash away ones bad vibes. There is something to be said for friends that you can make in real life. The kind that hang out and care if your car breaks down. There is something to be said for men who accept friendship for what it is and make no presumptions about your intentions. Men can be really silly.
Speaking of men- there's also something to be said for letting a breakup be a breakup. I like the idea that if you live or die- if you are happy or miserable; it's not my business and not my problem. That is ridiculously freeing. I wish I had caught on this concept earlier. I realize now how much energy I expend on people who will never reciprocate. It is a stupid waste of time. I never walk away from relationships that I want to keep so I am realizing how much healthier it is to cut lose the ones that I don't want around anyway. No guilt, no sense of obligation. Just the open road and the lessons. That feels good. Walking away feels good.
I sit in my small apartment, candles lit, drinking good Scotch, vibing to Neo-Soul on an expensive sound bar and I am happy. It took 42 years but I have arrived.
Cheers to living,
Dewberry
