It's interesting, the conscience decision to share your life with someone. I think of myself as flexible. Adaptable. Able to gracefully bend in the wind. Yet I worry that I'm only flexible when the wind blowing is created by me. This isn't flexibility is it?
It's a lot to invite another human to share your life. Especially when you have perfected the art of living a life that's exactly suited to yourself. You create a life you love to be ready to share it only to have to dismantle it to in order to share it. Why can't relationships be perpendicular lines, running side by side but never intersecting. Never crossing each other, never being cross. It doesn't work that way though.
I am very nervous that I don't have space- no that's not true, the globe is huge- that I won't create the space. I won't make the effort to allow a guest in my prettily constructed house of life. I want a relationship to feel seamless. Like Victoria's Secret underwear. Soft to the touch, pretty, but once you're in it you forget that it's there.
That's probably not a relationship right? It is worth mentioning that I'm also slightly irritated that the thing that I wanted to happen tonight didn't happen. I know that happens in multi- person relationships but it never does when you're playing the game of one. I really need to understand the benefits of a relationship because right now, it's a kinda boring game of why am I not getting what I want?
Which, I know, makes me sound like a two year old but.... If I'm going to have something it should be exactly what I want.
I mean- I'mjussayin.
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