Talking to walls

My words never get stuck in the written format. They flow as seamlessly as water rippling over and through a riverbed. The two are made for each other. My words and these keys. They are a match. 

I wish my words in real life flowed like liquid. The spurt and sputter. They are altered. Filtered. They get stuck. My so many big ideas trying to mash through the tiny strainer of should and should nots- always leaving the most significant parts behind. The meat of the matter stays tucked in the recesses of my mind. Under the loudness of what does not matter hides what does. It's better that way. 

To demand a voice means shining a light on what is easily wounded. To ask for what one really wants means to risk not having it. Better to hide the wants and play in the loudness of the persona. My mom once told me that I've, "been in college long enough to be able to use a lot of really big words to say nothing at all."  That's a gift though right? The ability to talk a lot and say nothing at all. Most people don't notice. Which suits me just fine. I am intrinsically very private; says the blogger ironically. 

To talk to no one about what matters is a gift. You say it. You mean it. You heal. You move forward. It doesn't matter that the audience is a nameless vortex. They don't know you so they don't care. They don't opine. They don't talk back. That's the point. To talk and have no one talk back. If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it does it make a sound? Only to the tree, the thing broken in the midst of the noise. Only to the thing that matters. 

Where... am... I... stuck?

I have never been one to ask for what I want. I don't think I can take rejection. Better to not ask then to get told no. It doesn't lessen the wanting, it just paints it happy colors. Makes it seem as if I always get what I want because I only ask for what I know I can get. Is happiness really found in wanting what you have instead of having what you want? No. But contentment is. Peace is. The ability to trick the audience into thinking that you live a life of magic is.  

I want what I want. No more, no less. 

Nikki G says:

if i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do

it's not the same thing
but it's the best i can
do

if i can't have
what i want    then
my job is to want
what i've got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more
to want

since i can't go
where i need
to go    then i must    go
where the signs point
though always understanding
parallel movement
isn't lateral

when i can't express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal
i know
but that's why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry (I hate the ending to this poem. It's so abrupt and I'm not sure if it's factual. I think elephants, turtles, and monkeys also cry.)
—Nikki Giovanni

I. Am. Stalling.

Maybe I need to practice saying my words like I have written and revised my writing. Maybe I need to remove the filters. Maybe I need to say what matters at full force like a hydrant racing to put out a murderous fire. Because, because if I don't, I am sure that I will choke on my words. 

and die.

A