I was not my best self tonight. I threw a small fit, realized I was throwing a fit which made me more angry, so I threw a bigger fit, then tapped out. Chagrined, embarrassed, ashamed, and still mad. Mad at him, mad at me, mad at the situation. Mostly mad that I didn't keep my insides on the inside.
There is a part of me that will always be a 5 year old. I like that 5 year old and protect her because she keeps the kid in me alive. The hope, the purity, the joy, the curiosity- all of the things that kids possess, she nurtures. But she also has a temper. I also have a temper.
I am good at my temper. Not so much because I have learned to keep it in check, which I have (yay, rectangular breathing), but more because it's rare that I allow anyone to get under my skin deep enough to make me angry. I cultivate the duck in water kind of zen. Let it all roll off.
I have found that there are a very small subset of people that get under my skin with no effort at all. I don't know why. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. But it feels like they find the fissure in the seams of my armor and use their nails to pull it back and slip right inside. That kind of intimacy leaves me feeling naked and vulnerable. Raw. I don't like it.
I was having a conversation with someone who saw me clearly the other day. He called me on some things that no one outside of my blood and adopted family can see. I hated it. At the same time I liked it. It left me questions: Is my mask slipping? Am I losing my walls? Is that a good thing? Why do they see me? What do they want with this information? What am I doing wrong to be seen so clearly? Is my smoke and mirrors act dissipating? Then it left me the usual solution when someone gets too close- run.
So I did, then I didn't. And tonight, ill in-tune with how far their fingers have penetrated my mask, I made a tactical error. I assumed that they had gotten lucky in seeing me and lucky in their wins instead of giving them due credit. In doing so I took an L and threw a fit. First the pleading kind to get my way, then the attitude kind to challenge the ego (also to get my way), then the tap out kind (because it was clear I wasn't going to get my way). I was not my best self. And he knew it.
Why do some people get into you like that? It feels personal. It throws me off my game and causes me to be irrational instead of logical. It frustrates the 5 year old in me. Both because my ugly bits show and because, well because my ugly bits show. I'm not so mad that I lost. I'm mad that I didn't lose well. I'm mad that someone who already sees me so clearly had another authentic glance. The not pretty kind.
I feel like I fell asleep with my blinds open and the lights on while napping nude. Once awakened I realized it was dark outside and that the inside is totally illuminated. The only thing to do is hope no cars drive by during the mad naked rush to close the blinds. Only to realize that the one person you don't want to see you in the buff is watching from the drive way. The cold realization washes with the hot shame and you are caught. A thing done can't be undone. A thing seen can't be unseen. Now all you can do is brazen it out and hope that they afford you your dignity. Hope they are willing to pretend that it didn't happen all the while knowing that that's impossible.
I was seen at not my best self tonight and now I have to look the person in the eye tomorrow (or not) and accept that they have a new knowledge of who I am on the inside. Who I am naked.
I hate it.
Dewb
No comments:
Post a Comment