Nuclear Families

Some days my life dictates that I be surrounded by nuclear families. I realized yesterday how painful that is for me.

I remember vividly at one point while married being surrounded by nuclear families and thinking, "Thank God.  I finally fit in." My marriage was painful. Our lives were falling apart around our ears but that one thing seemed to make it all worth it. That's crazy right?

Somehow it hit me only yesterday that people get married so that they don't have to be lonely. They have a guaranteed plus 1 for life's adventures. In the predictable and predetermined there is stability. There is a constant.  Maybe I'm nuts or a bit slow but it never occurred to me that that was the whole point of marriage. I now understand why marriage has been a challenge for me. Even alone I'm not lonely. Ergo my nature defeats the purpose of the institution. Maybe that's a cause for celebration. Maybe that's a cause for tears. Maybe it's a curse. Maybe it's a gift. Usually it feels like a gift- like I'm a bird and the sky is my limit.

The only time it feels horrible is when I'm surrounded by nuclear families. To be real I don't envy their marriages. I don't. Marriage is one of those things that when the stars align and the moon is in the right place it is fantastic.  The rest of the time it is... is - well, work. Some people look at it and see romantic possibilities but one womanizer plus one alcoholic later and I'm disillusioned.  I am jaded but not bitter.

The thing that I hate the most about being surrounded by nuclear families is that it is clear that I missed the "in need of life partner" gene.  I'm a hybrid. Less gas, less maintenance, vastly complicated. Most days I am grateful. When surrounded by nuclear families I can't help but feel like a bit of a circus side show attraction.

Oddity- Successful Single Mom whose kids like her, has a interesting career, speaks multiple languages, is emotionally together, financially stable, physically attractive, spiritually balanced and happy. Look now before she realizes that she really is a freak and disappears. P.S. Hide your husbands.

Lol. That's funny. But that's how it feels.  Like I should apologize for my life. Like I should apologize for not wanting to fit the mold, for not even understanding the mold. I mean seriously- who has time for mold?

They do I guess. Me, I'll take my sky.

Then I get the comm-estions.  The poking and prodding to see if the oddity has an achilles heel. "Wow! You must have so much more energy than everyone else." Read: obviously you have a disability like ADD or ADHD to get so much done. "Well your Son, HE'S doing really well." Read: You can only get one kid right.  Probably your daughter is a mess. "So whatever happened with that one guy??" Read: Yeah, you can get a man but you can't keep one. "I would love to travel/explore/shop/ go out like you do but my husband would never let me!" Read: you may be free but I got a man. Ha! I win.

Fortunately I have fielded these questions long enough to know how to answer them well. "No, I just have a really good schedule." Read: Really?! You waste how many hours a day on Social Media?? You DO realize that life happens in real time right? "Yeah, they're good kids." Read: My daughter plays her hand close to her vest, like her mother.  She must really not like you. Note to self- ask her why. "Which guy?" Read: Lol- your facial expression is funny. Thought you had it. No, you don't know anything about my life. "Ah that's so sweet, obviously he loves you a lot." Read: if that's a win you need- take it. Keep it. You'll be busy thinking about what you can't do and I'll be busy doing it. P.S. Even if you were dead 1,000 years I wouldn't look twice at your husband. My tastes run to the elusive and elite. Birds of a feather and all.

Possible solution- When life dictates that I land amidst the mold makers I will remember to look up and feel good in knowing within a short time I will be aloft. Other possible solution- after living through the circus act call single friends and go out. Fumigate the mold. Move to Club Med.

Bleh. Time to shake it off.  Fresh air here I come.

A