I cannot start this blog without saying how grateful I am for my blog. I love my blog. I love my echo. My space to speak to no one at all. It's nice to know that there is a place that I can go and have my echos echo, chase each other a bit then echo some more.
Life is so interesting. While I talk a lot it's usually as a cover for observing. Watching people and their faces and their eyes and their interactions- every face, every expression tells a story. Reflects a thought. Peoples faces are ultimately the best books available.
I realized as I watched faces tonight that I'm evolving again. As most people get older they get more... settled /stable /solid /predictable which in my mind is roughly equatable to boring/ boring /and a bit more boring. I still have an itch to scratch. I am still excited about the next adventure and the next one after that. As I get older I am getting more restless /unfettered /spontaneous. And I like it.
I am almost 50, in spite of losing that particular debate (hats off to the winner- well played), this is still a statement that I stand behind. And what I realize is that I am not looking for the white picket, 2.5, house and a dog thing anymore. I kinda did that. Well I actually did that. Enjoyably. Had the winds of choice shifted another way I would still be doing that thing. I find it odd that while I was married I was thankful that I wasn't single and since I am single I am thankful that I am not married. Who knows what that says about me.
Don't get me wrong- there are specific aspects of coupledom that I miss.Very specific things. But, well somethings you can't do anything about...
Back to the almost 50 bit because this blog isn't quite saying what I need it to say.... At almost 50 I am making plans to destabilize my life. In complete social dichotomy because most people around me are trying their darnedest to solidify theirs. At 50 people know their place in the world, have their "things" but I, I just want to fly.
It is arrogant of me to feel sorry for them, yet I do. I know what it is to raise babies and take care of a house and take care of a husband and have weekly golf dates with your couple friends and have your space in the world. To be a part of somewhere.
I'm not sure which gypsy in me has sold me on this idea that by being a part of nothing I can be a part of everything. And that as a part of everything I will have responsibility to nothing. By being everywhere I can be obligated to nowhere. And by being tied to nowhere I can go everywhere. The part of me that reads psychology books fears I perhaps have a social disorder. The part of me that reads Stephanie Plume novels seems to think it all makes sense, even if another car gets blown up.
That is what I really want right now. To belong to everything and nothing. Hummm, maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. I am almost 50 ya know.
Good of time as any to have a mid-life crisis.
Dewberry
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