I took a survey recently and it said that I was an extrovert. I don't know that I agree with that. I like most people in a scientific kind of way. In an alternate universe I'm sure I'm an anthropologist. I like anticipating how a person will react to a thing and then discovering if it will happen or not. I'm generally not emotionally invested, just curious. That being the case I'm not sure if I'm authentically an extrovert.
As far as my actual friends go- when I leave them I feel full. I feel lighter. I feel ready to climb the next mountain. When I spend time with the circle of people with whom I socialize with I leave feeling drained. I am described as easy to get along with. I think that's because in most situations I listen rather than talk.
I listen a) because it's polite b) because people can be interesting if you wait and c) because the world is a lonely place. Here is the thing that people that talk a lot don't realize, I don't care and I mostly wish that they would stop talking. They talk about silly things. Problems mostly of their own making and first world problems- like having to miss London for Paris but definitely next time... I think because I listen people like to talk to me. A lot. It takes a toll on my soul. I leave most parties exhausted.
Tonight I was at a party for people I like, hosted by people I like, doing
things I like. I expected to have a great time. Here is the thing- I, in the middle of the party, went to a dark corner of the balcony to be alone. And I felt alone.
It was weird. I both wanted to be left alone and I had a flash of impatience at being alone. This has happened before- I go to an event and I recognize that I am the exception, the single in a maze of couples. And I feel left out. But in an odd way. I recognize that many of the couples are mad or sad or resentful at each other, I can see the tension. I've done that more than enough in a relationship. I don't want that thing. I recognize that my being uncoupled allows for me to move with a flexibility that I like. It allows the promise of the undiscovered that I also love.
I just want... I just want.... I don't know. I guess someone to say goodnight to. Not in the literal sense. But a friend, male in persuasion, of the non-demanding sort, that at the end of a day like today I can call or meet for coffee and ask them how their day went. Be soothed by baritone and bass, Liza Dolittle style.
Someone who knew me well told me once that I open like a tightly packed flower. He said that he could tell by my voice immediately when something was wrong but it couldn't be forced. Forcing it would disrupt the whole bud. It couldn't even be coaxed. He said, "I have to talk about nothing for however long it takes you to let your guard down then and only then will you spill it." That's true. It's like I need to communicate to my core that I can go off of deflect mode into absorb mode and then transmit.
I don't need to be coupled. My life is pretty complete. I did feel alone tonight, I recognize that that probably had more to do with an acquaintance asking me if I was dating and why not and why I changed my name and where is my ex husband. She wasn't trying to be rude. I appreciate her asking me directly as opposed to making conjecture. But it did sting.
What is the point? I don't know. If I had to summarize I would say that being the only single person in a room full of couples sucks, even if you are dressed as Captain Kirk. I would say that as much as I admire people that are willing to ask difficult questions, maybe don't ask. I would say that people that talk a lot should listen more. I would say that I need to remember that throwing parties is fun because you can hide behind the work but being a guest creates a tedium that's no fun, especially in a house full of nuclear families. I would say I need to fight past this night for tomorrow.
I would say maybe all I really need is sleep, that the people at that party were exhausting.
-Dewb
No comments:
Post a Comment