With nothing to do but what's been done I'll do what I've always did.
I'll write.
What a crazy life I live. My words began to dam and acknowledging that particular form of sickness I take the possibly painful path. I undam the dam and speak what is true to me. Let's band aide rip it.
I hate Texas.
I do not know if I hate the physical place or simply what represents. Probably I hate the people. What is a place but the people that inhabit it? But I don't hate all of them. I just hate how they - live.
Why?
The lies. The lies on lies on lies. Nothing is true or real or authentic. One big picture show of people trying to see whom can out lie who. Passive aggressive politeness that they'll persuade you is manners but is a poor substitute for substantive kindness. Smile in your face, spit in your food. It's disgusting, the cowardly lack of character disguised as charm.
The hubris. These people are so proud of this silly little place that they have whitewashed themselves into thinking it is the biggest place in the world. Everything is NOT bigger in Texas. Fun fact- I gave a quiz the other day to 7 kids and 10 adults. A question was what is the largest state in the US (it even gave 4 options), to a fault they ALL answered incorrectly. Newsflash- Texas is not bigger than Alaska. But the ego is expansive. I'm not even sure why they brag. It's not pretty. No mountains. The gulf is brown. There is no real natural beauty and if there was it's been desecrated by oil refineries and racism.
The racism. The black people with the subservient tones and the white people with the superior ones. The Mexicans who just try to keep their heads down and not hurt the white people's feelings with Spanish less they forget that they are not white too. IT IS CRAZY.
The education... don't even get me started on the education in Texas. I cry real tears for kids. It makes sense that the land is cheap. It's not exactly a progressively educated population. The cycle of "lets stay stuck in the past" continues.
And the men- seriously the men. No real men, not black ones, too busy trying to stay outta massa's way. Really hate Texas.
So why am I here? I got hustled. I believed fake was real and went with good intentions to change my life only to be bamboozled.
Put a name on it. Calvin Croker.
What a waste of my life. What a waste of my time. What a waste of potential.
Why?
Still on that nipple. Must feel good to them both.
So then what?
Rebuilding year. I've 6 months to go. Stay focused. Stay calm. Stay kind.
Do not let my situation and circumstances dictate my behavior. Don't turn into a Texan. Then get out.
Until then- keep my head on the swivel.
it's a swamp down here.
A
p.s. I get it, I'm rage spewing about Texas. But If I can't say what I think in my blog (reread the last two words) then the south has emotionally lynched me. Live free or die trying.
