My verbal words are often filtered through a strainer that tastes like fear. Smells like fear. Is fear.
My written words never are. I often argue with you playing both sides in my head. I filter your words through a red-orange fog of self doubt and respond through a bullhorn of defense. The things I say never match up with the things I want to say and I always leave the conversation quite baffled at how my words became so mangled. A train wreck of words from which I couldn't unsay.
I do this often. All the time in fact, with every guy that forces me to slow down and "date". My relationship filter kicks in when it senses my heart is in danger and commences a code red counter attack. I am irrevocably broken. And yet unapologetically brave. Until I'm not.
Fear is not a bad thing. We've all seen Inside Out 1&2. Anxiety is not a bad thing. They are useful things. But then they take over the cognitive control board and before you know it you're saying-
"I'm ready to be done"
when what I wanted to say is;
"Don't give up on me"
Or
"If you're still in my life"
when what I mean is;
"Let's plan a vacation"
My fear filter is vicious. And it is brutally effective. This isn't too say that the things that worry me aren't worrying me. Or that growth and reciprocity aren't vital in any adult life. There is space for those things can be true too.
I don't know if one day the right person will be able to silence the bullhorn and render neutral the fear or if this is what it will continue to be.
I know that right now, in this moment, I feel both sadness and relief. And curiosity.
Will you, are you, made to hear me through my words- not when it's easy but when it's hard, when my fear filter is on and doing her best to protect me; OR will you see the fog and hear the bullhorn and remember you've only come for the smoke and mirrors? You just wanted a good show. Only time will tell.
Ahhhhh. The blog. My words are loosed. My soul is at peace.
Dewberry
