"Tell me,
'No- you don't have to be strong you've a right to be wrong.'
No one's ever loved me like that."
-JP Saxe
Have you heard that song? It resonates. It's essentially about being loved despite being human. About the idea that you don't have to be perfect to be loved. My mom did not raise us like that. The expectation was that we always did our best all the time. It's ok if you failed as long as you did your best. It was exhausting, being a part of a group for whom failure was not an option.
It was successful. My mom has 4 incredibly brilliant and accomplished children. Only 1 of which regularly speaks to her, mostly because she still has not lowered her standards of perfection for everyone allowed into her world. It is a small world. Her standards don't bother me. Mostly because I ignore them. I ignore them because I have always been an independent thinker. And at the end of the day I have never been interested in seeking approval from anyone. I play by my own rules. My dad taught me that.
While my mom was demanding and unreasonable I know that she was doing her best to prepare us for a world that was cruel and unforgiving. It was her brand of love. My dad, meanwhile, was as flexible as the river. He always found a path and was never intimidated by my mom. I always thought he was weak but as I have grown I recognize how strong you have to be to stay when everything in you wants to go. He would stand up to her mostly on our behalf. The fought terribly.
When he left everyone was mad. I was 18 when my parents divorced. I was not mad. I got it. My mom was nuts- we all wanted out. Everyone was mad at him for leaving and had these huge question about why he left. I had a different question. I asked him why he stayed for as long as he did. He said, "Because Amy, all I knew was that I didn't want to be another man to walk out on you kids."
My dad is not my genetic father. He married my mom when I was 2. My mom subsequently told Frank that he could no longer contact us. I do not blame her for that. Any man that takes an out didn't want to be there in the first place. I hold no patience with a man who absolved his guilt behind the skirt of a woman. Even a really, really strong one.
And so my dad stayed. For 18 years. He divorced my mom as soon as I graduated high school, moved next door, & took my little brother with him. That is a kind of strength that can only be attributed to love. Girls marry their dads. I think I have not been successful at marriage because I am waiting for someone to love me like my dad does. Through the fire and unconditionally.
He has never had any expectations for me. He has never judged me. Not. Ever. Once. He's just there. Steady and a bit crazy. Sarcastic and mostly irresponsible. A dreamer. Still. But he does know what it is to love.
I want that for my kids.
"Mama cryin because your love is the kind she always wished I would find.
No one's ever loved me like that."
Oh but they have. I am still loved like that. It's a tall order to live up to. Hence, my singleness.
Kindly,
Dewbs
